Let Go - Austin Dutcher

June 19, 1999

Dear Diary,

                Hi again, it’s me, Avril. Mom and dad are fighting again, and yes, they are fighting about me. Dad is trying to defend me saying that I’m just going through a phase and I’ll get over it, but mom says I’m worrying her too much to just wait for it to pass. They just don’t understand me. This is not a phase, it’s not something I’ve chosen to be, it’s who I am, I’m just too punk rock for them. I hope someday mom and dad will just accept me, for who I am like my friends do. If they don’t accept me, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe they wish I was dead, maybe if I just killed myself life would be easier on them. Maybe I should just run away, become a singer like I’ve always wanted and just get away from them for a while until they learn to understand me. Thanks again diary, you’re always there for me.

June 21, 1999

Dear Diary,

                I can’t sleep, it’s midnight and I just can’t sleep, mom and dad are still yelling about me, but this time it’s worse, they think that I should be sent to a guidance counsellor to help deal with this phase that I’m going through. Why can’t they just listen and understand and me for once in my god damn life. I don’t want to be normal like all the other girls that they want me to be like, I just want to be me, I just want to be Avril. I’m sitting here crying as I listen to them scream about me, I’m tearing their marriage apart, they never use to fight like this, not before I discovered this side of me. I just can’t stop crying, I’m sitting here writing in you but unlike regular times, it’s not helping take the pain away. I’m thinking maybe it’s time I try a new technique to take the pain away. That big sharp knife down in the kitchen seemed helpful, I’ve heard of other girls using them, maybe it will help me. Sorry to keep you up so late diary, but I just really needed someone to talk to, but now I think I’m going to go find that knife. Thanks again, love Avril.

June 26, 1999,

Dear Diary,

                I’ll keep this entry short and sweet; I used the knife the other day. I cut myself just a tiny bit of my arm, it hurt a lot, but it seemed to release a lot of the stress I had building up inside me. I decided to keep it locked away in my dresser next to you just in case I ever needed it again, it’s a good friend like you, it helps me a lot, so hopefully you two will get along and become the best of friends inside that little dresser drawer. Sadly I must go now, schools in an hour and moms yelling at me to “get my ass downstairs.” I think tomorrow I’m gonna talk to dad about become a musician though, so that’s some really good news, hopefully things go well, wish me luck. I love you Diary, thank you for always being there yet again.

 June 28, 1999

Dear Diary,

                Mom and Dad are going at it again, but this time they’re screaming about how I asked dad if I could drop out of school to become a musician. I don’t really see what the big deal is; a lot of musicians start at a young age, look at Britney Spears. She’s so pretty and popular and super feminine, I want to be the complete opposite. I’m not pretty like her and all the other girls that are classified as pretty, but I could be pretty in my own dark way, and I would be popular but more for the kids who are misunderstood, like I am. I have to make this dream come true. Why does everything have to be so complicated, because I’m really starting to lose my grip on life. My parents are just starting to make me feel so unwanted and like I should really just let go of the life they are giving me and start fresh. I’m gonna make this happen, I’m gonna be a star, and I’m gonna be the best damn thing that their eyes have ever seen. Thanks again diary, for always being here for me, I will report back to you in a few months, but for now, I have to get my life together and get this dream going.

September 29, 2001

Dear diary,

                I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve wrote in you, but I’ve got some big news, I ran away from home to become a rock star. I moved in with Aunt Lucile down in Manitoba, she is the one person in this whole fucked up family who actually understands me and realizes this isn’t just me trying to fit in with some crazy fad that’s going on. I love Auntie, she a club owner so she actually helped me book some gigs, as they call them, in her club to help build my resume. Oh yeah, and I didn’t even tell you the biggest surprise of all, on my birthday 2 days ago, she surprised me by bringing in a record executive in to one of my shows without telling me and I got signed! He’s the CEO of Arista Records; he believes I have a real interesting and different style and that I could be even bigger than Britney! How cool would that be! I could be living my dream by this time next year, and I owe it all to you. You’ve always believed in me and never put down my dreams unlike my parents. So thank you diary, but sadly I must leave you again, I don’t know if I told you this yet but I met a boy, he’s a cute sk8er boy, wish me luck, thanks again.